Without This It Isn't Love

Or at least probably not the love you are looking for. Recently a friend came to me distressed over a situation I’ve seen time and time again. She’d given her heart to someone. She loved him more than she’d ever loved. She was completely sure that this was her person. He told her he’d never loved anyone the way that he loved her. Everything was better and more profound. The conversation. The sex. The connection. They couldn’t go more than a day without talking. They tried. So many times they’d cut off the relationship, only to feel it was unbearable to be without contact.

The dilemma was that he had a girlfriend (and they were in a mutually monogamous relationship). He had told her as much, when they’d begun their interactions in an innocent friendly exchange. As they grew closer, sharing more and more intimate moments with one another, she assumed he was not that serious about his partner. He complained about her. Said he was with her because he did not want to upset his family. They adored her. Plus they lived together, and it was a lot to consider uprooting and starting over.

He couldn’t bring himself to cut my friend out of his life completely, yet he was unwilling to give her what she ultimately needed and expected. A life. A commitment. A knowing that she was the priority that he swore she was. He had so much to say about his deep love, but when it came to the only action that would back the sentiment up, the only action that truly mattered, there was nothing.

Love falls flat without the lived experience of being a top priority in the life of the one who loves us. Do they love you enough to uproot everything? To face what they need to face and own it all? To move forward into a life that puts you and them at the center of it? If not then it has nothing to stand on. It is a love that is superficial. It has no substance. It will lead nowhere. The sooner that is accepted the sooner one can mourn the loss of what could have been and be open to the real thing when it shows up.